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Old September 27th, 2003, 03:26 AM
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Becoming Travis

The 23 year-old bodybuilder wore lycra shorts that stretched across his ass and huge thighs. His thick meat was outlined by the sheer blue fabric. He was straddling a stool at the health club juice bar gulping down a huge turkey burger with spinach and no bun. His feathered hair fell down his neck. His big, young muscles bunched on his arms as he fed himself. His pecs were dense and pumped on his bare torso. He was a big, big bodybuilder.


Travis hadn't always been so extremely big. And he hadn't always been Travis - in fact, he'd used to be "Andy" and until he was 21, he was a skinny kid -- afraid to admit to himself that he wanted to be muscular and scared at the idea that other people would know. "I'm not allowed to want that - shit, what would people think of me if they saw me go start working out and trying to bulk up and act like I'm something I'm not."

But even before "Travis", "Andy" was well liked:
"Hey, Andy - how's it going? Do your chemistry homework?"
"Yeah - I skipped lunch to get it done"
"Oh maybe I can take a look then"
"Oh yeah. Whatever."
"Hey there's Xander.. Later, Andy… Hey Xander, you coming to Mike's party, Saturday?"


The change really started Andy's senior year in college, when a kid, Bill, in his philosophy class started to talk to Andy about working out. He got Andy into the gym. Andy felt intimated and shy - he did not take to it.

But Bill kept inviting him to work out and Andy screwed up his courage to overcome his reluctance and would join Bill most times. Then something strange happened, after two months the part of Andy that would become Travis noticed that he was actually stronger by a notch on most exercises - and he'd stepped on a scale and seen that he'd gained 2 pounds.

"Andy, I can't make our workout on Wednesday - are you bummed?"
"Naw, that's ok, Bill - I'll just skip - I should probably read. And then I'll hang out at the snack bar with Eeeker and Melladie."

On Wednesday, not Andy, but Travis went to the gym and did a full workout on his legs and then looked in the mirror before heading to class. He did not meet Eeeker and Melladie. Later that night he did his reading.

On Friday, when he met Bill for their workout, he let Bill talk him into heavier sets and fewer reps than they had done before.

"We can lift heavier today, Andy - because we've had a longer rest not working out on Wednesday."
"Ok, Is that right - well, ok, I'm willing to give it a shot."

On Saturday, Travis, not Andy, got up earlier than his roommates and went to the gym. He worked out for an hour and then showered in the abandoned locker room before racing back to the house before the other guys were up. On Sunday too he was at the gym lifting.

And Travis started swiping food from the dining hall at each meal - extra glasses of milk, lots of egg whites, extra turkey on his sandwich, a handful of burgers to take with him and eat late at night in his dorm room. The more the better. Travis just kept getting more food.


Bill kept working out with "Andy". But "Travis" was working out too. Travis was at the gym 3 of the 4 days that Andy wasn't. And Travis wasn't afraid to push it. While Andy did light sets with Bill and was a follower, Travis pushed each set to the max and ground out every last rep. Andy bought a couple of baggy t-shirts and made both Travis and Andy wear them. Because of the t-shirts, noone really noticed that by the time graduation came around, Travis had put 9 lbs on Andy's frame.


Sitting through actual graduation, Travis' left hand had spent the whole time under the robe rubbing up and down over the now defined abs and small chest. "This feels good," Travis thought. This thinking was interrupted, "Jesus, Andy! You gotta stop this. Why are you so obsessed with getting big. Your just Andy - what's everybody gonna say if they saw you working out and being into it - something's wrong with you." He snatched his hand from his abs and brought both hands out and over his gown - there was a tent in his robes.


Chagrined at his bulking up "infatuation", Andy decided that that summer he would stay around on campus, but he would give up the gym. And he did give up the gym. That is he did give up the gym until Eeeker's brother, Adonnio, came for a weekend visit.

"Alright, Eeeker and Andy, thanks for the afternoon hanging out - I'm going to go to the gym now - I'll see you around 6."
"Oh, the gym, that sounds fun, Adonnio. You, mind if I tag along?"
"I'd rather you not. You don't even work out, do you, Andy? It doesn't look like it. In any case, I'm going for a real workout. It would be boring for someone who doesn't really care what they look like -- whose satisfied just looking like you."


A day later, Travis overcoming Andy's resistance got a job at the gym without much effort - he took a first thing in the morning shift, noone ever came in at that hour. That at least made Andy more comfortable because no one would discover Travis had gotten him into this new job. Travis lifted hard. And then Travis began feeding himself again - again wolfing down eggs, meat, protein. Soon, Travis had himself on supplements - a lot of assorted powders and minerals but also a good amount of creatine and andestroine.


While Travis worked out, Andy kept wearing bigger t-shirts and bought looser shorts. But even so, people started noticing that Travis was making Andy bigger.

"Hey Andy, hold up… sorry I haven't caught up with you in a long time."
"Yeah."
"How you been, man?"
"Good - I haven't been up to much."
"No? It kind of looks like you've been bulking up."
"Huh - I mean - Well, Well. No, no way. I haven't been bulking up. I mean…. Well, I've just been going to the gym a little bit.. but only on Tuesday's and Thursday's - I go cause I get bored and am looking for something to do."
"You must have been going more than that - I can tell you're bigger"
"No- no way - why would I work out like that - I don't want to get all big. I think its just this shirt got shrunk in the dryer."


In spite of Andy, Travis began doing double sessions twice a week and making sure that he got two intense leg workouts every eight days. He kept eating high calorie, high protein, and high fat meals. Travis dug out some of Andy's old shirts and their size was perfect for how he wanted to look while working out. They were tight on his body. Meanwhile, Andy kept trying to stretch out his newer shirts - why weren't they any looser.

"Hey Andy, it's nice to see you here at Wednesday drinks night - seems like we haven't seen you in a while."
"Yeah, Melladie, I don't have time for this all the time now." The voice cracked between Andy's usual light voice and something a little lower.
Melladie got up and came closer to her friend.
"Holy shit, Andy, you're kinda big - heh heh - you been working out or something - trying to get in on that whole buff scene - ha ha?'
"Oh, whole buff scene!? No, that's silly, no that wouldn't be me. Well, but actually, yea, I have been working out. I thought I would put on a few pounds, you know, get a little bit of a physique." The voice cracked and dropped as it spoke.
"Of course, I didn't mean anything by it, it looks good on you - but just be careful don't get too big, Andy. Ha ha."


To get bigger, Travis continued to work out intensely over the next four months. And eventually began to be hungry for more - not satisfied with where he was. He looked no different than any other regular guy in the gym.

"Hi you haven't met me before but I've seen you around the gym. You work out like a machine. What's your name?"
"It's a a aan Travis."
"Well listen man. I don't mean to suggest anything but to get where you want to go you might need a little help."
"Ah.. ah.. I don't know what you mean? Wait, actually tell me more."
"What I'm talking about is a real difference. Something that will really change you. And I can be your source."
"Fuck yea. Alright, I need it."


Travis shook with anticipation the day that the steroids arrived. He'd raced from the mailbox to his room where he'd opened the box in secret and examined every bottle multiple times. Yet, a week past and Andy kept resisting the cycle. And then a second week passed and still the steroids, handled many times, sat unused. A third week was passing with no action, when Travis happened to be in the gym locker room alone. On the way to the gym, he'd had the chance to stop at the sports store on Beltsville Avenue and had managed to pick out and buy a dark blue speedo. Now he felt it was his chance to try it on. He'd just slipped it on and was striking a side pose in the mirror with his stomach sucked in and his chest thrust out, when the door flung open.

"Ha… what you up to Andy? Wait, are you posing? What the fuck… you fucking don't have the build for that. What a fucking freak?"


That night, Travis began the steroid cycle with both hunger and with trepidation. But with each day of taking, he found that the hunger was not quenched but began to grow and he found that the fears and concerns were melting away and that Andy was melting away. 12 weeks later he was bigger and stronger - 16 pounds heavier - almost buff -than he had ever been before and he was actually beginning to feel like a different person than he had ever been before.

"Hey, Andy, you want to go swimming with the gang on Saturday."
"Yea, I'd be pumped for that, Eeeker. But do me a favor though call me Travis -
I'm giving up my old name."
"Sure no problem. Hey have you still been lifting - are you bigger or is this just still the same as last time."
"Oh.. just the same I think… probably just shifted around a little - more cardio you know."

Travis showed up in a loose sweatshirt and cargo shorts.

"Andy, where the.."
"It's Travis"
"Oh right man sorry forgot about that… Travis where's your swimsuit dude?"
"I threw it on under my shorts."
"Show me, dude… huh?!… Jesus man are you wearing a speedo? Ha ha"
"I wear it because I can….. I wear it because I can"

Travis dropped his shorts - his legs were full and round with small cuts and the speedo was a plain dark blue. He lifted his sweatshirt off to reveal a tight white tanktop that stretched over his torso. After a few athletic steps, Travis launched himself toward the lake and sliced into the dark water.


Twelve weeks later, Travis started the juice again. Shooting himself up, he realized he had never felt anything like this. Travis lifted hard and wolfed massive quantities of food. He gained 14 lbs of lean mass and started busting out of his old clothes. His t-shirts were all skin tight on his hard, muscular but still lean body. His workout shorts were stretched around his thighs. His old jeans were skin tight and hugged his ass, cock, and balls. Travis was getting strong, very strong with all his lifts. On legs, Travis loaded the bars with massive weight and pushed to make himself indestructible.

"You, still working here at the gym? How's it going?"
"It's going Fucking good" Travis had a deeper voice than Andy had had.
"How are your workouts going?"
Travis peeled his shirt back away from his smooth, hard, rippled torso
"Just look, Adonnio."
Cuts etched his chiseled muscle.
"Shit, Travis, you look good - maybe we should work out sometime together?"
"Yea, maybe, Adonnio, I'll have to let you know."
"But, man , what are your goals? Ha ha - not to get massive right - to stay athletic right - he he - to get massive would be weird."
"Your asking what I want - do I want to bulk up? Yeah, I do. Do I want to put on a little more muscle? Yep. Do I want to pump myself up, and be a bodybuilder? Just watch me, dude. Watch me pile on muscle - pound after pound of it. I AM going to get big. I AM going to get massive. Just watch me." said Travis.


Travis bought speedos and posing trunks and kept working out.

He started another cycle - but this time he really got serious with the juice. He mixed the right pharmaceuticals to prevent side effects and came out 12 weeks later with 18 more pounds of mass, hard and bulked up.

He did a fourth cycle and gained another 11 pounds eating like a beast. He was 22 1/2 and weighed 208. His face was the same handsome face that Andy had had, but Travis was beginning to bulge muscle that hung on his frame like a sinewy coat. Travis' calves and thighs swept down his legs, his lats spread on his back, his arms were endowed with large round baseballs. His chest was nicely inflated above rippled abs.


Nothing special took him back to his Parent's home that next June. He walked into his their suburban house dressed in his biggest jeans and a polo shirt. He carried a gym bag filled mostly with supplements and a few articles of clothing. While not skin tight - his clothes stretched over his frame.
"Is that the door? … Hello… Who is it?… let me see"
"Oh my wor.. Oh my wor.. Oh my word. What the.. Andy! Andy! What have you done!"
"Mom, I'll just throw this bag in my room. Don't change your plans on my account."

Andy's parents were shocked and didn't know how to deal with Travis. Travis ignored them and lay out in the back yard tanning in his speedo, pumped weights lightly in the garage using a set of home weights he dug out of a neighbors basement and spent time mixing himself shakes in the kitchen. At meals, he'd finish his plate and then by right take from his parents' plates what they had not been fast enough to finish. His parents could not comprehend the situation and were afraid to talk to Travis and just staid out of his way.

One sunny afternoon, after lying out tanning, Travis walked into Andy's old room, pulled some basketball shorts over his bikini, grabbed his bag, ready to leave. As he passed his mother, he pulled her against his pumped up muscles, tilted her head back and kissed her on the forehead. As he passed his father, he took his Dad's hand, placed it on his big bicep, and flexed. He smiled broadly at his father while looking him in the eye. He was 4 pounds bigger than when he arrived home and one posing brief shorter -- it lay dried with sweat near a note that said, "Thanks" and was signed "Andy" with a smiley face.


When, Travis got back to campus he was ready to get huge. Big and huge. Massive and huge. He was ready to get rippling with muscle. He was ready to show everyone how much weight he would put on and how big his muscles would grow.

On the first of his three steroid cycles - Travis continued to grow with muscle. All around him, people were fixated with Travis' growth. His muscles were growing bigger, and began to bulge more pronouncedly around his narrow joints and slim waist.

"Andy, you'll be at the lake Saturday?"
"Hey man, I haven't seen you in a long time… I changed my name to Travis last year. Andy - he's dead. Oh and yeah, I'll be at the lake, I wanted to play Frisbee up there."

Travis drove up wearing gray sweat pants and a blue sweat shirt.

"Hey, Travis - what kind of swimsuit you have on this time."

Travis peeled off his sweats. His lime green bikini traced a line between his full round ass and his big, muscular legs. The silky nylon held his cock and balls flat against his taught abdomen. His torso was larger and more v-shaped -- probably 15 pounds heavier than the first time he'd swum with the lake crew. With all eyes glued to him, muscular Travis raced for the water making a diving catch of the Frisbee as he plunged into the cool dark waters.


On the second cycle - Travis found that people were becoming more and more drawn to him as he began to look more like a bodybuilder. Travis gained 19 pounds and he liked the way it felt on him and he liked the way it felt to have people look at his chest as it thickened, at his widening shoulders, at his growing biceps. He liked when people stared at him or brushed against his hard, rising ass. He liked that his bigger legs were starting to force a more muscular, more masculine stance. "Just watch me", Travis thought "you've not seen anything yet." At the gym, other guys showed a level of envy that was unmistakable that Travis had gone where they were too afraid to go.

"Travis, can I feel your muscle."
"Yeah, touch anywhere you want." His voice was sexily low.
"How are you getting so big - I've never seen anyone as huge as you're getting?"
"I'm getting big because I'm hungry to get big - because I need to get big with every ounce of my being --to get more massive than you can imagine. I'm getting big because I pump myself full of juice, because I eat to get big, because you look at me and I look back and say just watch what I become."


After a 3 month break, Travis went on a third cycle similar to the first two. But on the third cycle, more than ever before, Travis felt the freedom to become whom he could become. Starting the cycle at 238, he was still extremely handsome and proportionate but now with a big body. Reaching that plateau he had realized "I'm gifted with some kind of fucking good genetics." It was clear that he had the potential to mass himself up to a v-shaped, bulging limbed perfection. So, Travis increased his dosages, and he began to eat. And eat lots. There was no limit to the amount of food he would eat and didn't need to worry about fat. 5 steak dinners, 3 shake fueling breaks, 16 egg omelet breakfasts just kept making him bigger and stronger. In the weight room, Travis was like a man on a mission - he churned out rep after rep on heavy weights and watched his young supple muscles bulge further and further.

"How does it feel?"
"It feels like a thousand stallions thundering through my physique - I feel like a brewing storm building in strength and power - I feel like a mound of coiled steel… Ha, ha, ha. Just joking by trying to sound like some online muscle fantasy - How does it really feel to be beefed up? It feels like a boner - like a big, hard boner - and when I pump up it feels like that sense of intensity as though I were cumming but my whole body is cumming."


Finished his cycles, Travis is a massive 275 and only 23. Travis is 35 lbs heavier than any bodybuilder in the gym - even the young thirty year olds also on the juice. He's 135 lbs heavier than Andy ever was. Travis' broad shoulders are massive with muscle, He has huge legs and a muscular ass. His electric blue, thigh length lycra shorts cling to his nice big cock and balls.

Travis loves being huge and feeling the weight of his big muscles weighing him down. He loves thinking about how skinny he used to be. Now he has muscles bulging all over his body. When he moves, he feels the muscles bunch and flex - his biceps like big softballs, his thighs like swollen tear drops, his ass like two muscular mounds. He has gone through an unmatchable transformation - from a skinny, self-denying coward to a full-bellied muscle boy. "See me - see just how big I have become."


Now, Travis sits at the juice bar, his cock plump, his body alive with power.. Next to him, Travis notices a skinny 19-year-old - strikingly handsome in the same way that Andy used to be.

"Hey there. How's it going? Were you working out?"
"Oh no - not me - you weren't talking to me, were you? No, I don't really lift weights - just do a little lifting like a weight circuit for phys. ed. or something."
"You don't want to get huge like me?"
"Oh no way - I could never dare to do that."
"What's your name?"
"Oh, I'm Eddie"
"Well I'll call you Clay, Eddie, and come with me"

In the locker room, while Eddie bends naked in front of him, Travis sinks a syringe of anabolic steroid in his own ass. He's always wanted to do this. Aware that the steroid is in his body, Travis gets a boner, his cock swells to its big size and he presses it against the teen's virgin hole. Entering that soft but extremely tight ass, Travis feels a wash of sensation that explodes back from his cock head and radiates through each of his bulging muscles. With a massive flex, Travis begins to fuck deep and hard in the virgin territory of Eddie's ass. Slowly with each powerful thrust, cum begins to gather in Travis' big balls. Travis' cock reaches deep in Eddie's hole. The stroking gets faster and more animalistic. The sensation of Travis' big cock fucking him overwhelms every sensation in Eddie's body - Eddie's cock is ramrod hard like any good teens. As Travis reaches the very point of orgasm, he stabs a needle in Clay's ass flesh and unloads a dose of strong steroids into Clay's young body. The boy cums a white rain that showers every mirrored surface in sight. Travis, the pumped up bodybuilder, looks at his mammoth reflection in the mirror plowing his once puny self. He blows a load of gism so large it floods out Eddie's hole as he already feels the weight and power of the next 20 pounds that he and Clay will each soon gain.
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Old September 27th, 2003, 08:47 AM
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Thank you.

That was a great strory, thank you very much! I liked how it took a couple years, and seemed more realistic, than many stroies. Very hot.
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Old September 27th, 2003, 05:42 PM
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I agree with Brent, great story! Of course, what worked most for me were the descriptions of the growth. I've never quite understood the whole "yes I want it / no I don't" thing.

Was that how it was with (any number of) you when you were teenagers? I was extraordinarily self-conscious and didn't want anyone know when I was working out (rarely) but I also really, really wanted it (and didn't do much about it.) For me, though, being self-conscious about it was not the same thing as being in denial about wanting it.

Does that make any sense?

Of course, I was completely in denial about the fact that it wasn't just that I wanted muscles for me, rather that I wanted muscles for me and muscles on another guy and everything that went with it.

:-)

Youth is wasted on the young, right?

xoxo

richard
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Old September 28th, 2003, 10:09 PM
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Agreed!

I went through exactly the same thing, Rich.....when I was doing it, I couldn't explain exactly why. A lot of it had to do with my best buddy in high school, whom I memorialized in my story "Ghost".....and when I look back on it now, it's a bit bittersweet -- sweet, because it laid the groundwork for where I am now and was the first step on the road to admitting my sexuality.....bitter, because you wonder what might have been had "Cody" and I been more honest with each other.

Take care!

Dan
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Old September 29th, 2003, 07:37 AM
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Geez...if I only knew then what I know now...as a teenager all 155 pounds of me wanted so badly to be bigger but didn't want anybody to know. Worked out quietly using a mail order bbing course, snuck various weight-gain products and bbing magazines into the house. Now many years later and almost 260 pounds I wonder just what the f**k my problem was. I'm not shy about it anymore, go figure.
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Old September 29th, 2003, 05:52 PM
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The same as I have felt

I was almost the same as Dan, Richard, and muscle_d_2000 when I was a kid. I was afraid to let anyone know what I lusted after. I remember being in art class one afternoon (I lived in Auckland, NZ at that time) and I saw an add for Lycra©, while clipping pictures out of magazines for a collage. This ad had pictures of a hot, built guy posing in diffrent colors of posing briefs, and the text explained Lycra©'s "Strengths". I still recall being embarassed as I clipped the ad, and stelthfully slipped it in my pocket. Every night, and each morning I would look at that ad and, ... well, you know. I didn't want anyone finding out about it, so I kept it tucked between the matrice, and frame of my waterbed.

Eventually, That ad became worn, and I lusted for more. I was at a local supermarket where I noticed some bodybuilding magazines. I decided that was too close to my home, but I wanted some of them. So I bicycled several nieghborhoods over... as if anyone would shout, "Hey, you're that kid that bought all the muscle-mags!" I always worked at keeping my "stash" hidden, and even had a Bible with everything, thinking that would cleanse anything dirty in there...

Now, all that stuff seems silly, and I don't know what I was afraid of. I am out with my family, and everyone else. I am also workingout regulary. I always wanted to, but I was too afraid to tell anyone that's what I wanted to do. I just hope that with the internet, and more diverse TV options, fewer little boys will go through the self conciousness we all went through.
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Last edited by brent; September 29th, 2003 at 05:55 PM.
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Old September 29th, 2003, 06:09 PM
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I think the self-consciouness is going to happen, regardless. That's just part of adolescence.

The thing now is that there's a LOT of cool associated with being built and teenage guys eat it up. (Unfortunately, a lot of them wind up overdosing on steroids, too, but that's another story.) And even though there's probably not any less homophobia now that there was when I was in high school (1972-1976) there's a lot more diversity. My 14 y.o. daughter was all excited to tell me this evening that one of her little fagling friends, also 14, has started dating another gay guy in their class. I'm delighted (and hope they'll watch their backs!)

What would my life be like if I'd had their sense of freedom to be their real selves? Or started lifting and kept lifting with no breaks for 30 years? As you know, I'm not lacking in imagination but even so I really can't quite fathom it.

xoxo

richard
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Old September 29th, 2003, 06:09 PM
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In response to Brent, I think that's the best thing about this group -- meeting all the guys who share these common experiences and have this common desire to GROW BIG!

(Great story, btw!)

Scott
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Old September 30th, 2003, 08:17 AM
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In agreement

Interesting story... what makes it more compelling is the timeframe in which the growth occured and that the main character seemed to put in the effort to attain the growth. In addition, the main characters conflicting desire for more muscle and yet shyness or apprehension about truly expressing this ... is definitely something many of us can relate to.
Like muscle d 2000, I was also shy about my development growing up... especially when gymnastics helped pack on the muscle. Now, as a competitive bodybuilder and tipping the scales from 265 - 280... the compliments are highly motivating in the gym and in public. Ironically, still modest/humble around contest time when I'm ripped, carb depleted... and not feeling "big" or muscular even at 240 lbs.
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Old September 30th, 2003, 03:15 PM
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Of course, you could post pix and make the rest of us extraordinarily, uh, "happy!" :-)

xoxo

richard
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Old October 4th, 2003, 10:23 AM
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Question "Coming Out" as BB?

I'm struck in the above posts by the idea that others have had this same [strange] experience. Many of you are at farther along points in it, I guess, but I thought I'd underline it.

It seems like we (this group involved in this discussion) had two "coming out" events. One as a gay man, the second is as someone whos either into muscle or wants to be really big themselves.

I have no problem letting people know I'm gay; I'm out at work (extremely) and I just assume that everyone knows. (Surprised when some people don't! <G>) I didn't come out until I was about 25 and went through the phases of "I hope nobody sees me at the bar!", and so on. (I'm 34 now.)

I'm having the strangest deja vu about this in regards to bodybuilding. Even the word causes me to feel like I'm talking about something illicit. I usually use the words "workout", "hit the weights", (etc) to refer to this, but bodybuilding is what we're talking about. It's not fitness training, and not for any other purpose. It's to look big, massive, and hard, and have that <something> while you walk around all day. And somehow, it causes me to feel embarassed that I should say "yeah, I want 20" arms."

It seems like others here have had this experience too. I'm trying to learn from the gay one and try to embrace the "muscle" one. <G: aren't we all.> But to do it without the negative adaptations (of which I can barely remember) from my gay-coming-out.

I've had a short conversation with more than one BB at the gym who's had the same experience; couldn't admit the whole muscle-attraction thing.

Why do we have this? What's to learn here?

Discussion?

-R
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Old October 4th, 2003, 10:56 AM
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I'll reply to this on the general bboard
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Old October 12th, 2003, 12:38 AM
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Thanks for the comments on the story.

Self-conscious! Couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on for Andy before he actually began to go for it and bulk up into a massive bodybuilder, shooting juice and squeezing his bulging muscles into a tight lime speedo...
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Old October 17th, 2003, 07:41 AM
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the psychology of travis

It doesn't surprise me that this story has generated so much discussion.
Many bodybuilders, gay or straight, have to deal with the embarrassment of people saying, "hey, you look so buff, you're working out!" For those of us who fetishize getting big, having someone say that can make you ashamed and get a boner at the same time. If it's someone you're attracted to, and they're big, then it's cool--and erotic--because you get to be like them. I'll never forget the first time I was in the gym as a grad student, and these freshmen gay boys who I had to teach saw me there and started oogling over me. One of them said, "Dude, you're getting BUFF!" and I got a big boner (I was closeted at the time).

There is a narcissistic nature to many gay attractions, and we're conditioned to believe that it's bad and evil to be cocky, love your own body, feel good about your own look, and stare in the mirror at yourself all the time.

And it's NOT great to do it all the time, especially if you're obsessed and cut yourself off from real relations with other people, and if you don't have a balance in your life between working out and everything else.
There are plenty of bodybuilders who use weight gain as a way to build armor between themselves and the world. Or insecure guys who need to be buff to feel masculine. Or gay guys who (like when I was coming out) hit the gym to make themselves more "straight acting" and look at the other guys in the process.

I can confess--at my heaviest and most buff, I was the most miserable. Because I could never relax and accept my body. I would secretly jerk off to being big, but could never just relax and enjoy it--and never dared to share it with other guys.

I can't tell you how many times I've fluctuated between gaining weight and not gaining weight. I've gone between 149lbs and 183lbs. I'm not a bodybuilder and don't have the patience, funds, or desire to get to 190 right now (at 5'9''). (Well, I do, but only when I'm daydreaming! Anyone here work out at Dolphin in NYC???) But I have been one of those guys in my gym who everyone else looks at and goes "shit, I'm weak because that guy is big." And I love that feeling!!!! I think those silverback gorillas do it too, on the Discovery Channel.

I have the same embarrassment about the prepster/jock look which is why I write about it in my stories.

The ultimate point is that you have to love yourself for just who you are, and not try to be someone else. The story of Andy turning into Travis is a fantasy, and is erotic because it plays off both our sexual desires and our insecurities. But the fact is that in real life, it would be TOTALLY OKAY for Andy to go to the gym, work out, and BE ANDY. He could get big (the roids is a whole other issue, because guys can get very big naturally too, even though it takes longer), love himself, and find friends to work out with. His parents could accept him, he could find a boyfriend, and he could like his body. He could be encouraging and giving to the 19 year old kid at the end of the story. The only thing that stands between every Andy in the world and the fulfillment of his muscle-building fantasies is a change in attitude. And that, my friend, makes your story an A+ in my book. Great stuff.
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Old October 19th, 2003, 12:19 AM
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I dig the stories on this site and was trying to determine something that felt truthful for me to add fantasy-wise. You would have thought it would occur to me that the story says something about me?! The recent discussions have done a ton more for me to realize something that hadn’t registered for me and that is that I’m still Andy – and while I think Travis is just a daydream maybe I really want him in my life and need to resolve that.

I have gone back and forth in my life too. I did have a period where Travis changed my life transforming me from a 155-lb 4:20 miler at age 24 to a muscular, 200-pound 27-year-old, the whole time Andy pretending to the world that he barely knew what a weight was never mind a bulking diet or a supplement. It was hot transformation for me (at least when nobody embarrassed me by saying something publicly). I was j**king off to my bulk every morning and night.

I don’t know where my mind’s at now. I'm 180 and it feels right - athletic, energetic, hard, supple, alive, and a good build (but not quite as hot as the new thomas jane ;-) ). When I was trying to maintain 200 it was just too much - I was busy working to have a good appearance and I'm not sure I had the best life. So in the end, I truly wonder if 200 or more work can work in my real life - maybe with the right guidance they could. But even if 200 doesn't work in my real life, 240 works great in my fantasy life - man am I massive.

Thanks Polodude for the ultimate point. That’s one I’ll strive to remember/live up to. Because of it I have more compassion for Andy and Travis than I did before.... Love ourselves for who we are... and who we are becoming.
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Old October 19th, 2003, 08:39 AM
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QuoteTheRaven please feel free to email me if you want
-p.d., Williamsburg Brooklyn
[email protected]
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Old October 20th, 2003, 11:57 AM
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Exercising it ALL

I agree with polodude... this story has generated some great discussion that will hopefully continue...
Just one caveat... whether you're straight or gay... compliments aren't always embarrassing. While I do get embarassed sometimes... The more I compete, the more I've learned to use compliments to motivate me further, especially when I'm in the pre-contest dieting phase.

Yes, the sport of bodybuilding can be considered narcissistic if you just look at the surface of it. Yes, we spend time looking in the mirror perfecting a pose, showcasing a strength, hiding a weakness and examing our overall progress. But this sport is much more than that. Each day that I train, I either set new goals for myself or march one step closer to a contest goal.

One gym owner from South Africa told me that this is truly "the sport of kings", for no other sport requires so much dedication, discipline, dieting and determination for just a few minutes under stage lights ... all for a sculptured trophy or piece of tin on a slab of marble.

Polodude does raise some interesting points about an individual's reasons for pursuing this "sport of kings" called bodybuilding.
Regardless of whatever individual reasons, it is not an easy sport and it does require some degree of obsession or insanity... take your pick...

Balance is paramount. Strengthening your soul, expanding your mind, expressing your creativity, and building your muscles ALL require effort, patience and the same dedication, discipline and determination. Be sure you exercise all of them!

Last edited by bulkinupbig; October 20th, 2003 at 12:06 PM.
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Old November 3rd, 2003, 07:41 PM
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Hey bulkinupbig - i am PSYCHED for you for being a competitive bodybuilder and clearly a big one - awesome job!!! Tons of compliments and congratulations!!!!

It would be awesome to hear more about your experiences growing muscles as a gymnast and progressing to a 265-280 lber and a 240lb competitor! Your change is so completely IMPRESSIVE, how'd it all take place? (I'm sure i'm not the only one who's dying to hear more ;-) )

It's especially interesting because it sounds like you've really found a way to keep your goals with a balanced life!! Let us know.
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Old November 4th, 2003, 06:50 AM
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QTR is, of course, correct. He's not the only one dying to hear more. (And wanting to see pix!)

rpj

once again belaboring the obvious!
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Old November 4th, 2003, 11:07 AM
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Thanks for the support QTR and rpj...

All I can say is that this is not an easy sport.
I requires dedication, discipline, desire, determination, drive and a demented mind...
Living the lifestyle of an amateur or an aspiring pro bodybuilder is not only expensive but challenging every single day.
I made a decision last year that I was going to get back on stage this year and I worked extremely hard all year to get prepared.

I'm continuing to learn about bulking up... about training efficiently and about pre-contest preparation... along with the fine art of posing.

I was fortunate to train as a gymnast early on. I think that helped to build an incredible foundation and also helped transition into bodybuilding.

Will continue to keep you posted on my progress and the outcome of my results in the upcoming contests.
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Old November 4th, 2003, 10:37 PM
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Thanks for the post, BulkinupBIGGGGGG! :-)


I have this certain feeling about amazingness happening in you/for you/with you!! Hope you can feel the admiring/supportive mental energy of countless muscle fans here penetrating your muscles and pushing them that extra inch to grow and your body go to the most amazing place meant for you! I know its gonna happen magnificently! yummm.

..... bodybuild.... bodybuild... bodybuild... bodybuild... bodybuild....!

ok - don't want to get myself overly excited ;-) best of luck!
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Old November 15th, 2003, 07:36 PM
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overly excited?

perhaps we're all narcissists...
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Old November 15th, 2003, 07:38 PM
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pic to go w/my question

how many of you have done this??
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