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Old March 9th, 2012, 06:51 AM
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The Phoenix - Part 2

Part 2: From the Ashes

My mother miraculously came through for me after Chance’s death and basically moved into our place for a few months. I wasn’t as thankful as I should have been but I, at least, registered on some level she was another person talking to me. It was not my shining moment in life, that’s for sure.

“You should get a haircut, James.”


“You’ll look better.”

“For what?”

“For life, James. For all that you have to live for – Chance died, not you.”

“You have no idea what you are saying or how it hurts me.”

“Of course I do – I’m your mother for god’s sake. Can’t you trust me, James?”


This is how the first few weeks went – me being so sad that I couldn’t even acknowledge my own mother, but I began to live through my loss completely, mainly because of her help. I even began to acknowledge my mother as a real person – someone who understood me. She ended up being what saved my life – or what remained of it.

“You need a haircut, James.”

“Thank you, I know.”

“Do you want me to make the appointment?”

“Yes, please.”

This was the beginning of my transformation from someone that was incredibly depressed to someone that was somewhat open to life for a second time. I began to actually enter into each day by first acknowledging how much I missed Chance and then forcing myself to attend to the duties of every day living. I would then quickly return home and become a recluse, but I had, at least, started some interaction with the real world.

One night I was brave enough – okay, drunk enough – to log onto Chance’s side of our shared Mac computer. I figured out his password easily – it was my name. I searched for a while and finally found two things that ended up changing my life – the first was a blog that Chance had started, which served as a kind of diary and the second was a list of websites that he was a member of and the passwords he used to get on those sites. I chose to start with the blog. I found myself bawling uncontrollably after the first three entries because they all spoke about how he had found the love of his life and how I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I forced myself to continue reading and that’s when it got even more interesting. In the sixth or seventh statement he started talking honestly about his love for muscles, bodybuilders, and his fantasies about men with super strength. He had confessed this to me a few months into our relationship, but seeing it in print and reading how he was truly infatuated by this stuff made it more real than ever. I wasn’t turned off in any way, but I began to understand a side of Chance I had not known very well up to that point. There were a bunch of entries that looked like snippets of stories or fantasies he had created. I read the entire blog and marveled how it danced back and forth between entries dealing with his love for me and his obvious lust for muscles. I glanced back at the list of websites once I exited his online diary.

Many of them were work related but there were some porn sites and the a few others that dealt with muscle worship and guys growing big. One listed simply as the Forum caught my eye, mainly because the password he created for that site was ‘BigJames.’ This made me smile and I typed in the URL. Glancing at the login page I realized it was a place for people to share all sorts of stuff relating to muscle growth – there was a place for training tips, uploading media, and even a place to post muscle growth stories. I immediately wondered if any of Chance’s blog entries had ever made it to this site as fully thought out tales. I typed in his username and password. The page reloaded and within a few seconds of looking around the site I noticed a private message had appeared. It was from someone named Mr. Huge. I was instantly curious and opened the note.

Good evening, Chance. Where the hell have you been? I have missed our chats and, especially, your stories. Has pleasing that dreamy husband of yours been taking up all of your time? It’s great to see you back on the site. Let me know what’s up with you and hopefully we can chat soon. Derek.

I stared at the message and didn’t know what to do. I had been the person that called Chance’s family and friends after his death – and I had done it professionally and with little hesitation – but thinking about how to write to this Derek guy was different. Not knowing him or even understanding the relationship between the two of them made it really difficult. I thought it was important to respond, though, so I slowly typed out a message.

Derek. This isn’t Chance. It’s James (the so-called dreamy husband). I’m afraid I have some very bad news and I hate doing it this way, but Chance is gone. There was a bad car accident and I’m afraid he didn’t make it. I came across some of his personal stuff on the computer and decided to check out this site. I’m so sorry to tell you this over the Internet – it seems so wrong. We had a beautiful funeral service about a month ago. I apologize for not informing you about it, but I didn’t know you existed. Sincerely, James.

There was a long pause and I began to worry that Derek either didn’t believe me or he was just too embarrassed to write back. I took advantage of the break and clicked on the name ‘Mr. Huge’ to re-direct myself to what was the guy’s profile. Two things jumped out at me right away – the fact the guy was from London and the incredible stats he listed. The numbers posted made it clear he was a big guy. I then noticed that there were many messages back and forth between he and Chance. I glanced at a few of them and saw how a pretty solid online friendship had obviously blossomed. They even talked a lot about me. My searching through their conversations was interrupted by another private message.

Dear James, I am so very sad for you and it is too unbelievable for me to fully process this information right now. I do want to let you know – in case we never get the moment to chat again – that Chance loved you very much. We couldn’t have one conversation without him saying how lucky he was to have you in his life. Even his stories were mostly about you – or a dreamed up version of you. I hope this forum doesn’t freak you out. We’re just a bunch of guys that have similar interests and were lucky enough to find a place to share them. I still can’t believe he’s gone. Would it be okay for me to let the guys on this site know about his death? It’s going to be a big shock to everyone. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Derek.

I re-read the message after I finished it the first time. For some reason these kind words from someone halfway across the world seemed to comfort me in a way that had not happened until this moment. It slowly registered that tears were sliding down my cheeks, but it wasn’t as painful as it had been weeks before. I simply realized I missed Chance with every fiber of my being. Here was an opportunity to talk to someone about my feelings and not have to stare into a face that clearly pitied me. I also didn’t have to watch this guy struggle to find the right things to say – chatting through the web seemed to make it less personal and somehow more comfortable.

Of course you can let people know, Derek. I know Chance would appreciate that, well, he would have appreciated it. I was wondering if it would be okay if we chatted for a while, though. This site does not freak me out, by the way. Chance told me all about his love for muscles a long time ago. It’s a little shocking to find this entire mini-universe of people that knew him in a different way than me, but it is also kind of neat to learn about him from that other angle. I hope I’m making sense. I think I’d kind of like to get to know this part of him, too, if it wouldn’t bother you. I think I’ll need a guide through this website and Chance’s love for all of this stuff. Is that okay?

I typed fast and hit send without even thinking about it. I felt more alive than I had in many weeks. I wanted desperately to talk to someone and this seemed like such a safe way for me to deal with some of my pain. I found myself desperate for Derek’s positive response and didn’t know that would happen if he said no. I didn’t have to wait long.

It just so happens, James, that many people call me the Welcome Wagon of the Forum. I’m one of the longest registered members on the site. I’d be happy to chat with you about Chance and all this muscle stuff. Your man was such a great guy. We’ve chatted with each other for years. I’m probably the biggest fan of his stories and he was always so kind to offer support to others. Feel free to ask anything. Seriously, I’m an open book. I have a feeling it’s somehow easier right now to process your loss through the web. Ask away, James.

Derek’s answer made my heart very thankful and I exhaled deeply, happy about the occasion to really discuss Chance for the first time since his death. I also had a deep desire to understand this previously unknown world of muscle worship. I had always chalked these desires up as fetishes I simply didn’t have. I did, however, want to learn more about this particular one, so it crossed my mind briefly that I possibly had some repressed feelings that were somehow being unleashed. I poured another glass of wine and hunkered down for chatting.

Thanks. Okay, first things first. We’ll get to Chance later, but I’ve got to ask something prior to that. I glanced at your profile on this site and if you’re not lying about your stats then you’re a huge man – no pun intended Mr. Huge – so why would a big guy like you be on a site like this. Isn’t this just a place for little guys like me to come and drool over pictures and stuff written about muscled men? I’m confused.

An answer came back pretty quickly, but it wasn’t really a reply. It was a link to another site. I clicked on it without hesitation, something I usually didn’t do. It immediately took me to a site called BigMuscle and I was required to verify my age in order to go further. I clicked the appropriate box and was then taken to the page of Derek Richards, also known as Mr. Huge. I immediately blamed my latest gulp of wine for the sudden heat flash that went through my body as I gazed at the assembled pictures of Derek on his page. I still somehow thought any desires for other men was a betrayal of my love for Chance, but the body that appeared on the screen in front of me was so very nice and I decided my reaction was probably completely normal for any healthy gay man. The word ‘beefy’ popped into my head when I beheld the photo of Derek’s naked upper torso. I think people usually referred to bodybuilders as cut or ripped and I don’t think those terms would have been appropriate for the man on the page, but he was definitely huge and muscled in all the right ways.

I again blamed the wine as my cock began to awaken within my sweats after looking at a photo of Mr. Huge on some beach in a skimpy Speedo, then a picture of him looking quite dreamy in a very tight gray t-shirt, and especially when I saw how husky he was in a picture taken at a gym where he was flexing both of his arms at the same time. The mounds of muscle bulging upward beside his head were simply mouthwatering. I finally forced myself to look at the guy’s face; having already perused all of his unclothed muscled. Derek was probably somewhere in his mid to late thirties, a little older than me but his body made him appear younger and more vibrant. He had dark hair and a face that seemed to say there was some kind of darker ethnicity in his heritage – maybe Greek or Indian. He was definitely not a typical fair-skinned Brit. His smile was inviting and there was a kind of impish sparkle in his eyes. My gaze kept moving back to the two big arms being flexed. It was a new feeling for me - to be so attracted to a big guy like this. I could still remember every curve and bump of Chance’s small body and instantly recalled the thrills caused by just holding him, but something unknown stirred in my groin when I gazed at Mr. Huge. My picture gawking was interrupted by another message.

So these are the latest pictures on my BigMuscle page. I hope that clears up the questions concerning my stats. I have a hidden page with a bunch of nude photos, but we’ll save that for another time – we don’t want to scare you away on your first visit. I’m not called Mr. Huge because of my muscles, by the way. Okay, enough of that stuff. I have to keep telling myself you aren’t Chance. I tended to tell him way too much about myself because he constantly encouraged it – saying it was good for story research and because he just loved to talk about muscles. If I get too carried away, James, let me know. I really do want to respect that you are new to all of this. I’ve been sharing muscle fantasies with other people for so long that I forget what it’s like to see pictures or read stories for the first time. As for the second part of your question I’m not really sure how to answer it. I’ve just been into muscle all of my life – ever since it registered to me what men could actually look like when they were really built. I even remember being a small kid and always gravitating toward relatives or friends of my parents that were big men. Being introduced to muscle mags in my teen years and then finding out that muscle worship was something lots of people loved just kind of sent me down a path I never expected. I started working out in my early thirties and my body just kind of took off. I may be big now, but I still have that lust for muscles that existed when I was small. I like both being worshipped and being the one that does the worshipping. This site gives me the chance to express myself completely. I really love stories that bring to life everything I dream about – not to mention videos and pictures that do the same thing. And don’t even get me started on how much I love role-playing. Finding a guy that has that incredible ability to let his imagination run wild while being able to play off of thoughts I’m having is like some kind of drug – I’m addicted from the get go. Chance was one of those guys. He could get me so stoked when we were role-playing that I would sometimes lose control and have to stop typing. He was just so creative and blessed with an uncanny way of describing things. He always said it stemmed from the comfort of already having the love of his life. He was released from self-censorship because he had everything he needed in you. There I go again, I think I’ve said too much.

He, of course, had not said too much in the way he thought, but in a manner that he could not have anticipated. I was so incredibly turned on that I realized even just a few more descriptive words from him or the movement of my sweats sliding across my super hard cock might send me over the edge and make me cum in a most dramatic way. I wasn’t sure if this reaction was caused by the lack of sex since Chance had passed away, the erotic pictures of Derek, the wine, the thought of Chance and Mr. Huge role-playing, or a combination of all of it, but I was close to bursting like a water balloon hitting concrete. I couldn’t type for a few seconds, because I was worried that even the motion of my fingers would cause me to ejaculate. I simply clicked on the BigMuscle page again and stared quietly at the arms of Derek. The bulging muscles didn’t calm my dick down at all, but starring at the guy for a few minutes did get me beyond the impending need for eruption. I went back and typed a quick response.

Derek, I need a few minutes…

Okay, James. No problem. Phone? Need to go to the bathroom? How long do I have? I might want to fix a drink if I have time.

I need to rest so I don’t shoot off like a rocket!


This has all been too much and I haven’t had sex in a while – so I’m just a little too turned on right now.

Oh, I see. I can only imagine how hard it is for you – no pun intended. Chance told me that you guys had sex almost every day. I always told him he was one lucky bastard. Oh crap, I hope I haven’t shared too much. Take a few minutes and settle down. I’m going to fix me a cocktail. I have a feeling we’re going to be here for a while.

I didn’t know how to take his last comment. Did he mean that it was going to take me a long time to relax my hard-on? Did he anticipate the fact that I had many questions and would keep him online for a long time? Was I already boring Derek? Or was I just analyzing everything too much? This intense self-doubt caused my cock to turn flaccid pretty quickly. I decided to not let anything deter me from my desire for answers – I had nothing to lose. I wanted to be as honest as possible and, hopefully, learn a lot about Chance from this man and the site. I typed my question.

Why do you say you think we’re going to be here for a while?

It took Derek a while to answer and I figured it was because he, indeed, had gone to fix a drink. I took advantage of the time and stole a glance at Chance’s profile. I saw that he had many friends on the site and that he posted a lot. I opened a link that showed me his postings – a mixture of incredibly nice and profound words of encouragement for guys coming out, building up their bodies, or having trouble in relationships, along with many multi-chaptered stories, a few pictures, and lots of comments to other posts. I got a little choked up when I noticed some of Chance’s great sense of humor and incredible kindness reflected in his remarks. I then turned to one of his stories – My Muscled Lover – and began reading. I saw my name mid-way down the first page. The paragraph I jumped to got my cock stirring again:

‘James grabbed my belt and the front of my jeans, easily lifting me in the air with
one of his monstrous arms. He smiled at the shocked look on my face – clearly
pleased by my disbelief at his strength. His forefinger played with my hard cock
through the denim and made me grow harder than before. The big man was
toying with me and he knew I loved it. I glanced down at his mountainous biceps
and began to salivate like a dog looking at a huge piece of steak…”

Derek’s response to my question tore me away from the story.

Remember the first time you had sex with a guy. It was probably someone older than you and you probably talked his ear off after he helped you come to grips with your sexuality. You were like a kid in a candy store – all the sexual delights revealed to you by this guy and you just wanted to make the moment last forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, but stumbling into the Forum is kind of like that again. It’s like opening Pandora’s box, but this time it’s not bad things that happen – it’s really nice things. You’ll start reading stories and suddenly find that you’ve spent four hours in front of the screen with some lube and a box of tissues, your cock raw from all the action. Or you might start looking at a picture that someone has posted – or a video – and then the next thing you know you’ve visited five different blogs because one picture led to another one and then another one and so on. I swear logging into this site is like super intense foreplay every time – it’s completely unpredictable and you never know what’s going to make you finally ejaculate. It’s a total erotic-filled surprise. You also find that you had fetishes you never knew existed in your head. A while ago one guy started posting pictures and stories about massive forearms and I went absolutely fucking wild. There was no way I could prevent it. Now I can spot what I call ‘Popeye’ arms a mile away. A man with huge forearms adorned with bulging criss-crossing veins makes me cum every time. I can tell by the way you confessed to going hard just from my BigMuscle pictures and our little conversation so far that you’re set to become what I like to call a frequent flyer on the Forum. This is your big coming out night, James. I’m just sorry that it didn’t happen while Chance was alive, but then he probably wanted to keep the Forum as a present for himself – not being selfish, just wanting to have a place where he could express himself completely and not feel guilty in any way. You’re probably starting to feel the same way right now.

I was a little taken aback at how Derek’s response was so ‘on the money.’ I already realized that Chance had kept the site a secret because it was a place for him to come and be completely free. It’s the same reason I loved to sneak away sometimes and go to the movies alone – not because I didn’t love my husband, but being alone for two hours lost in a great movie was so energizing for me. It didn’t have the same rejuvenating feel when I went with someone else – especially Chance. I often worried that he wouldn’t like the movies I did and I would find myself looking at him to see if I could read how he was feeling. That caused me to not enjoy the movie. But, more importantly, I was realizing that my curiosity with this site was much more than just my interest in getting to know Chance in a new way. I was drawn into the world of the Forum because of my own unspoken desires and needs. I could feel myself letting go of some self-imposed restrictions in my head. I again chose to be very frank in my response to Derek.

I’d like to save talking about Chance for another time, Derek. Your observation has hit the nail on the head and I’d like to go in a different direction tonight. First of all, how did you get so big?”

That’s the spirit, James. No problem with the shift – we’ll share Chance stories another time. I’m still quite shocked by your news of his death. I think I’ll need time to work through my feelings. He was a great guy. I got big the way most men do – I started working out hard and I still do. I’ve been lifting heavy weights pretty seriously now for about nine years. It’s my first obsession and the Forum runs a close second. I’ve met most of my workout partners here on this site – and most of my inspiration comes from the guys here. Chance encouraged me a lot – both directly with comments and through his stories. He also used to tell me he was sure his husband could get really big if he ever started lifting. I could tell he wasn’t saying it because he wanted to make you into someone else, I knew he loved you just the way you are, but I believe he saw something in you that you didn’t know existed. He’s pretty sharp that way. I mean he was sharp that way. Gosh, it’s so hard to use the past tense when speaking about him. I’m sorry if my mistakes are causing you pain.

No, no, no, it’s fine, Derek. I have the same trouble when I speak about him. I still come home sometimes and think he’s going to greet me in the kitchen with a martini. I miss him very much. You know he actually told me a few times he thought I should start working out. He was sure I could get big. It always made me feel weird when he said it, but not because I thought it was an insult or that he didn’t like my body – it made me feel weird because I have always had a secret desire to do that, but I was just too embarrassed or intimidated to even begin. I didn’t know how to start.

Hey, James, I hate to interrupt that thought, but I’m getting tired of typing. How about we switch to FaceTime. I know you have it because Chance and I chatted that way a lot. Is that okay with you?

Sure. Give me a few seconds.

I couldn’t control myself. I jumped up and ran to the full-length mirror across the room to make sure I looked presentable. I was acting like a teenage girl going on a first date. I had not cared how I looked for weeks and now, in just a few seconds, I completely flip flopped and thought about changing clothes just to chat with someone through the computer. I even contemplated changing out of my sweats – how stupid was that since I’d only be seen from the waist up. I calmed myself down and returned to the desk, easily finding Derek’s email in Chance’s contacts. In only the click of a few links I found myself looking at the handsome face of Mr. Huge.

“This is much better, now isn’t it James? Wow, you’re as cute as Chance said – he wasn’t lying.”

I felt my face turn red. Derek’s heavy accent immediately thrilled me. I also saw his broad shoulders in filling up the screen and was reminded of how big he was – something that thrilled me even more. I leaned in to the camera on my computer, hoping my body wouldn’t be too visible.

“Yes it’s better and thank you.”

“Lean back there, good sir. No need to try and hide your body. I need to see what we will be working with.”

“What do you mean?”

“James, my dear fellow, tonight is the first night of the rest of your life. We are going to begin your transformation right here and right now. Chance was a huge inspiration for me, not to mention a good friend, and I think it is only fitting for me to help his husband to finally get the body he wants and deserves. It will be my gift to you, but also a memorial to the man we both cared for. Now lean back. That’s good. Well, well, well, Chance was right. You do have the foundation for something amazing. Yes indeed, I can see what he was thinking. Okay, Mr. James. Grab a pen and paper. I’m going to give you a little shopping list and go over a few basic exercises for you tonight. I don’t want you to miss a thing. I’m going to just move the computer so you can see the workout area in this room.”

I reached for paper but I did not take my eyes from the screen. Derek was standing up and moving away from the computer. It was my first glance at his beefy body in full – and in glorious muscle motion. I kind of gasped out loud at the sight of his hugeness and he quickly leaned down to look back at the camera. He immediately figured out what had happened and he winked at me and flashed a big smile.

“Boy, you’re really grabbing hold of your newfound fetish with as much gusto as you can muster, aren’t you. I’m glad you like what you see. We’re going to build one of these for you, too. People are also going to be gasping when they see your new body, Mr. James. I promise.”

And with that simple introduction I was transported into the world of the Forum and ushered into a new lifestyle of working out and learning about muscles. I watched intently as Derek showed me my first round of exercises and then he rattled off some supplements and other stuff I was to purchase the next day. We stayed on FaceTime for four hours that evening. It was the beginning of what I could tell was going to be a great friendship. Chance had brought us together without even being there – a fact that would have made him very happy. I was ready to grow for my dead husband – making my new body a lasting way to remember him.
(A place for me to post my stories in progress and other stuff I like)

Last edited by Londonboy; March 9th, 2012 at 11:05 AM.
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Old March 9th, 2012, 07:18 AM
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Old March 9th, 2012, 10:52 AM
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Wow. This kinda strikes near home, hm? Interesting...
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Old March 9th, 2012, 12:04 PM
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Good start, please continue.
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Old March 9th, 2012, 03:23 PM
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This really strikes home. I know just what it feels like to lose a partner in a car accident. I hope this does come with some kind of happy ending. Good story so far.
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Old March 9th, 2012, 05:49 PM
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Wow !
Heh heh heh.....
OK, More please.
And you know the drill. Please do...
Keep Writing.

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Old March 9th, 2012, 06:00 PM
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Old March 9th, 2012, 06:30 PM
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Good...why I can't meet a "mr Huge" too that help me like James!
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Old March 9th, 2012, 07:20 PM
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Perfect! Just what I was hoping for, thank You!!!
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Old March 9th, 2012, 11:26 PM
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So striking.

This story is poignant beyond words and it's so emotional yet inspired. Absolutely brilliant mate!
"A pure hand needs no glove to cover it."
- The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
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Old March 10th, 2012, 07:20 AM
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What a touching plot line and truly unique. Am eagerly looking for the next chapter.
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Old March 10th, 2012, 07:21 AM
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Wow Londonboy, you've got my attention that's for sure. Can't wait for the next chapter!
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Old March 11th, 2012, 08:15 PM
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Oh wow! Home run, londonboy!
Excellent work!
Looking forward to the next part!
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